- 1 - Go, Lovely Ose
- Tune: Anything Goes (Cole Porter)
- 'Nuff said. Some people like a heavy duty ose song (all 47
verses of it). This otherwise commonplace little number is remarkable
for containing a new rhyme for "filk".
- 2 - Morgaine
- Tune: Jolene (Dolly Parton)
- In order to get the scansion right, I had to listen to the
original six times hand running. It's a scandal the Victoria Cross
can't be awarded to civilians.
- 3 - Dead Ringers
- Tune: There Are Bad Times Just Around the Corner (Noel
- 4 - Have Book, Will Travel
- Tune: No, Nay, Never (Trad.)
- The term "ram-raiding" in this context means turning up
unannounced at a bookshop, grinning savagely, and signing all the
copies of one's book whether they want you to or not, thereby
preventing them from sending them back. So far, nobody's ever called
the police, but there's always a first time. When I was a child, my
mother told me never to write in books.
- 5 - Toast to Realistic Heroes
- i am a litel ose song in serch ov sum moosik. if u no
ennibode ho duz moosik praps u cud arsk vem 2 rite sum 4 mee
- 6 - The Con Hotels of England
- Tune: The Stately Homes of England (Noel Coward)
- Chris Bell helped with this, despite not knowing the tune
or the words. I wrote all of it except the word "emplacements". Chris
didn't help all that much.
- 7 - Et in Intersectione Ego
- Tune: The Nightmare Song, from "Iolanthe" (Gilbert &
- It's possible to sing this if you take a run at it.
- 8 - Wild Canadian Boy, The
- Tune: The Wild Colonial Boy (Trad.)
- An 'umble tribute to John Clute. Noting that it differs
from the original by not having a chorus, Dave Langford added the
Come, my co-editors, the deadlines they are nigh,
Together we'll cross-reference, and never say "sci-fi"
We'll thunder through the verbiage, like mighty Sherman tanks,
And we'll scorn to lean on text-books that were written by the Yanks.
- 9 - The Button Mould
- Tune: We don' need no steenkin' tune.
- Guess who this is about. When you've guessed tell me, 'cos
I don't know.
- 10 - My Imam
- Tune: My Old Man Said Follow the Van
- 11 - The Modern-Day Solicitor
- Tune: The Modern Major-General, from "Pirates of
Penzance" (Gilbert & Sullivan)
- Lawyers are the scum of the earth, trust me, I'm a lawyer.
Or used to be. I went straight in 1995.
- 12 - I Can't Get Parted From You
- Tune: I Can't Get Started (Gershwin / Duke)
- 13 - I am Lemming
- Tune: I am Kraken (Leslie Fish)
- I make this the eighth filk of "I am Kraken" to date, but
very probably not the last.
- 14 - How Much is That Doggie in the
- Tune: Bella Ciao (Trad.)
- A horrible mutant cross between "Bella Ciao" and "How Much
is that Doggie in the Window?" In its favour, it could have been much
- 15 - FAP
- Tune: FAP (Feline American Princess) (Leslie Fish)
- Written for fellow hyophile Pat Silver. The original is
about cats, needless to say.
- 16 - Amateur Chemists
- Tune: Amateur Rebels (Leslie Fish)
- Admit it; when you first heard "Black Powder &
Alcohol", wasn't your first thought "Where the hell can you buy
saltpetre?" (You can't; the EC have classified it Doubleplus Ungood).
But supposing you could ..
- 17 - Go, Lemmings
- Tune: Toast to Unsung Heroes (Leslie Fish)
- I have this recurring fantasy where I'm sitting in this
circle at a US con, and Fish sings TTUH, and I reply with this (I'm
allowed to sing in my imagination), whereupon she hits me with a mike
stand for being negative about the space program .
- 18 - Black Pepper and Parmesan
- Tune: Black Powder & Alcohol (Leslie Fish)
- Another widely-filked original. Wonder why?
- 19 - Pre-Emptive Revenge
- Tune: Vengeance is Mine (Guess Who)
- See 17 above, except this time I get hit for being negative
about the Struggle.
- 20 - Suburban Shieldmaidens
- Tune: Celtic Woman's Song (Heather Rose Jones)
- 21 - Eeeek!
- Tune: Carmen Miranda's Ghost (Leslie Fish, again)
- Space station five, because Popeye the Sailor's ghost is
haunting space station four, and it's strictly first come, first
served. How many space stations are there, anyway?
- 22 - The Skunk-Breeder's Daughter
- Tune: The Horse-Tamer's Daughter (L*sli* F*sh)
- Awarded the Golden Parsnip for Good Taste at the 1994
Wolverhampton Festival of Parody.
- 23 - Grow it Back
- Tune: Bring it Down (Leslie Fish)
- Don't look at me, because I did.
- 24 - Cakes of the Angels
- Tune: Eyes of the Eagles (Leslie Fish)
- This is my favourite song, and I did this to it.
- 25 - Lovebites
- Tune: The Tinker's Daughter (Frank Hayes)
- Actually my father-in-law is a trade union official, so
this song is by no means autobiographical. Honest.
- 26 - The Wild Geese
- Tune: The Wild Geese (Kathy Mar)
- I only found out after I'd written this song that Wild
Geese are actually people. Oh well.
- 27 - The Wild Lemmings
- Tune: as above
- Look, what is it about you and lemmings? Have you seen
anyone about it?
- 28 - Act of War
- Tune: Man of War (Kathy Mar)
- This song enabled me to make enemies of Kathy Mar ("Man of
War") and Zander Nyrond ("Filksinger") with just one song. Cheapskate,
- 29 - The One That is Broken
- Tune: Twisted (Kathy Mar)
- Don't you just hate it when this happens?
- 30 - Well, Quite
- Tune: Rumour-monger (Zander Nyrond)
- Well. Quite. Um.
- 31 - Men's Laundry Song
- Tune: Song of the Women (Zander Nyrond)
- How to avoid having to wash anything ever again. By one who
- 32 - Her Trusty Blade
- Tune: Ladyhawke (Julia Ecklar)
- All in the best possible taste, naturally.
- 33 - The Impractical Man
- Tune: The Practical Man (Pete Atkin)
- First of all, I'd like to thank my agent ...
- 34 - Driver to the West End
- Tune: Rider to the World's End (Pete Atkin)
- Written as occupational therapy.
- 35 - Oh, So That's What it's Called
- Tune: Sam's Song (Zander Nyrond)
- Oh, so that's what it's called.
- 36 - When Giants Filked
- Tune: When Giants Walked (Kathy Mar)
- Dunno what to say about this one. Either you agree or you
don't. Lynch-mobs by appointment only, please, and form an orderly
- 37 - Blue Cheese Sauce
- Tune: Blue Bread Mould (Leslie Fish)
- I've never tried it on ice cream, though. Or at least, not
yet. There is, unfortunately, time ...
- 38 - Ancient Pies
- Tune: Ancient Sky (Talis Kimberley)
- "Actually", said the lovely and talented Talis, not
realising that I was lurking under a nearby flat stone, "I don't mind a
bit if people filk my songs. I take it as a compliment."
- 39 - Ravelled-Up Sleave Blues
- Tune: Helva's Lament (Rhodri James)
- Not that I witnessed the events here recorded. I was asleep
at the time.